A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[steve50]

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
-“I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M.” Signed, the Blonde.
She pinned the note inside the little boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note….


-“Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!”

 

[norcal]

How can you tell when a blond has been using a computer?
There is whiteout on the screen.

How can you tell when another blond has been using the same computer?
There is writing on the whiteout.

Difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

How do you change a blonds mind?
Blow in her ear.

How do you light up a blondes eyes?
Shine a flashlight in her ears.

 

[Kamikaze]

The next prime minister?

 

[telectrix]

we still got george osborne a chancellor. how about ozzy osbourne for PM?

 

[R G]

Ikea reply ;
Sorry we have sold out !!

 

[hightower]

Selling my hoover if anyone is interested. All it does it gather dust.

 

[Kamikaze]

Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland. "
I think we'd have won 1-0 " he replied.
"Only 1-0?" Said the reporter.
"Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now!"

 

[hightower]

Some people say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to you.

 

[steve50]

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

​

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained …
"Well, doc, it's like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
"She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour? Good heavens!"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

 

[steve50]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

​

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are but a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Watson asks, curious as to the nature of the question.
“Watson, you idiot!” Holmes responds. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

 

[hightower]

An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Pakistani are in the waiting room, all waiting for the arrival of their respective new borns. The doctor comes out and announces all three babies are well but there's been a mix up and they aren't sure which is which, and they'll have to go and choose. The Englishman goes first as his is right (alphabetical order of course) and chooses the baby that is quite obviously of Pakistani origin. The Pakistani man raises this point that it's obviously his baby, to which the Englishman replies 'I know, but one of those other two is Welsh and I'm simply not taking that risk'

 

[hightower]

How to fall down stairs:

Step 1

Step 6

Step 7, 8, 9, 11

 

[R G]

1. 

 

[Barry White]

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why its empty

 

[Barry White]

How tall was Adolf Hitler? and where did he live? the ansers in the video