A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[littlespark]

I once had a job interview at a chemical factory. The guy asked me what “nitrate” was.

I don’t think “ time and a half” was the answer he was looking for

 

[telectrix]

Lady Penelope: "Parker"
Parker: "Yes, Milady"
Lady Penelope:Take off my shoes"
Parker: "Yes, Milady"
Lady Penelope:Take off my dress"
Parker: "Yes, Milady"
Lady Penelope:Take off my bra"
Parker: "Yes, Milady"
Lady Penelope: "Take off my knickers"
Parker: "Yes, Milady"

Lady Penelope: "And,Parker......"
Parker: "Yes, Milady"


Lady Penelope: "And if I catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

 

[littlespark]

You always get the same answer from Sinead O’Connor when you ask how her birdwatching is doing.

“I’ve seen seven owls and fifteen jays!”

 

[Leesparkykent]

Made me chuckle .....

 

[norcal]

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

 

[norcal]

A husband and wife are having dinner at an extremely chi-chi restaurant in the city. Lobster tails, pate, stuff like that.

Right before the dessert course, this gorgeous young woman comes over to the couple’s table. She waltzes up and kisses the husband smack on the lips! She’s like, “I’ll see you later, tiger.” And she sashays away.

The wife freaks out, of course. “Who the hell was that?” she hisses.

“That’s my mistress,” says the husband.

“That’s it,” says the wife. “I’m done. Enough of this sham — I want a divorce!”

The husband chews his steak. A divorce would be very costly and disruptive. He takes a swig of wine.

“I can understand your desire to leave me,” he replies. “But consider: if we get a divorce, say goodbye to the country club. There will be no more skiing trips to the Alps. No more Bentley, no more Rolls. Yacht club, gone. Summers in Tuscany, gone. Your little side trips to Chanel will end. But the decision is yours.”

At that moment, the couple’s mutual friend Larry enters the restaurant with a sexy young thing on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Larry?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

The wife take a bite of salad and says, “Well, ours is prettier.”

 

[norcal]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted

 

[Des 56]

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

[littlespark]

A Scouser goes on Dragon's Den and shows the Dragons an old shotgun and a gamekeepers pouch.
Intrigued, Peter Jones leans forward and says: "So, what's your idea?"

"Its a simple concept, Peter" Replies the Scouser…. "Just put the money in the f***ing bag!"


Sorry, @telectrix

 

[Bobster]

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.

 

[littlespark]

Repeat joke, @Rob ? Thought I’d read that one somewhere before.
This thread, back in march

 

[Bobster]

Repeat joke, @Rob ? Thought I’d read that one somewhere before.
This thread, back in march

No idea, just had it emailed to me from a colleague.

 

[telectrix]

a dumb blonde walks into a bar:

she said :
"Ouch, that hurt".

 

[littlespark]

Saw this on facebook.
Got to admit I took a minute to get it


"I love it when you call me....."

 

[littlespark]

Do you know what happens if you wear Russian underpants?


Chernobyl fall out