A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Silly Sausage]

A farmer had just 10 cows from which he just about managed to make a living.

One winter morning he woke up to find that the weather had been so cold that all his cows were frozen solid. "Oh no!", cried the farmer "What am I going to do? How can I feed my family now? I'm ruined!".

Just then, a little old lady came into the field and seeing his distress, said "Don't worry, I can help you". She went round all the cows one by one, looked into their eyes, stroked their heads, tweaked their ears and blew warm breath up their noses. Gradually, one by one, they all came to. The farmer was really grateful and asked the little old lady how he could repay her, but she said "It's OK, I don't want anything. I'm just so happy that I was able to help". And with that she shuffled off into the distance.

The farmers' next door neighbour, who had been watching the proceedings with great interest, said to his friend "Do you know who that was?" The farmer said "No, isn't she just a kind old lady?". "No" said his neighbour. "That's Thora Hird!"

 

[Silly Sausage]

My Granddad gave me some sound
advice on his deathbed...

"It's worth spending money
on good speakers."

 

[Engineer54]

Is THIS what "The Power of Positive Thinking" is all about?​

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[Engineer54]

Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated ... . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty flee? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluct u ations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[Richard Burns]

I heard about these new tablet things that are so useful and so I went out and bought one.
Really I do not know what all the fuss is about they don't seem much use to me!

 

[specs]

Facing a huge increase in juvenile crime unheard of in their small midwestern city, the mayor and city council convened and decided that they needed to have an educational campaign to convince young people not to commit crimes.

Before long, they agreed that they needed to hire the guy responsible for the graphic and effective anti-drug commercials involving an egg (this is your brain before drugs) cracked into a frying pan.

He quickly agreed, and said that the best way to promote the message was for him to speak directly with students. Within a month, the crime rate plummeted, and he was summoned to city hall to explain these amazing results.

"Well," he said, "it was simple."

He went to a chalkboard and drew a tiny circle and a big circle. "All I had to tell them," pointing to the small circle, "is that this is your ------- before prison and ..."

 

[specs]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The fvvkingArab

 

[jaypp]

the fastest thing in the universe.

4 men were having a discussion about what the fastest thing in the universe was.

man #1; "the fastest thing is a 'thought', i think"
man #2; "nah, you're wrong, a 'blink' is faster."
man #3; "no no. the fastest thing is 'ELECTRICITY'."
man #4; "you are all wrong! the fastest thing in the universe is 'diarrhoea'."
other men; "how so?"
man #4; "well, the other night, before i could even think, blink or turn the light on, i ---- myself!!"

 

[tidyboiler]

Good British Humour.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done".

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.


I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered - the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

I came home one night and proudly announced to me Dad that I had SEX for the first time. He said "I hope you took precautions?"
"What do you mean?" I asked. "Did you wear a condom?" "Nah, but I kept me balaclava on."

"Jesus Loves You." Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

Got caught having a **** in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.


I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That arsehole next door has still got my bloody shovel."

 

[specs]

60th High School Reunion He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.



This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.



The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"



After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"



The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.



Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”



He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.



He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.



First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”



"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."



The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.



Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

 

[dan86]

I knocked at my neighbour's door today.

I said, "Your dog has just ran out into the road out of nowhere, I swerved to miss him but unfortunately worst came to worst."

"You hit him?" He replied, eyes filling up.

"No," I replied. "I swerved into your son on the pavement."

 

[steve50]

A golfer takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.



"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

 

[Geordie Spark]

A couple on their holidays in North Wales stopped off at an eatery in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

The husband spoke to the waitress asking "To settle a disagreement between my wife and I; how do you pronounce this place and could you say it slowly"?

The waitress replied "Burrrrrrr - geeeerrrr Kingggggg"

 

[tazz]

Britain is sinking

 

[dan86]

My mate went to a psychic last week, she told him he'd be coming into a small amount of money.
Last night he shagged a dwarf called Penny. How spooky is that?