A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[dan86]

I had to send in a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen.

They needed 2 CVs.

 

[telectrix]

gave you a like for that as it's sooooooo bad. i'll give it a C3.

 

[dan86]

its one of those ones that's so bad its good!

 

[Geordie Spark]

An Italian Mama
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony


Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa




Moral:

Never kida your MaMa

 

[dan86]

I paid £12.99 for a company to deliver my hamster a new dining table last night.

"I must me bloody mad!" I thought, until I opened the box and realised that they'd also supplied me with a free pizza.

 

[ian.settle1]

I paid £12.99 for a company to deliver my hamster a new dining table last night.

"I must me bloody mad!" I thought, until I opened the box and realised that they'd also supplied me with a free pizza.

???????????????????????????????????

 

[Richard Burns]

???????????????????????????????????

perhaps

 

[dan86]

Accordion to a recent survey replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

 

[telectrix]

reminds me to get tea out the freezer -- a trombone steak.

 

[jeremy]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? No one's ever going to pay £50 to have a lentil on their face!

 

[steve50]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.


The Indian Chief proclaims,


"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...


"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."


The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",


"But I will still kill you in two days.."

"What is your SECOND request?"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.


Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.


She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.


Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!
FOR...THE...LAST....TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT -----!"

 

[steve50]

Subject: The chicken and the donkey





The chicken and the donkey


On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom
loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the
chicken to go get the Farmer for help!

Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the Farmer, but to
no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the
Farmer's new Z3 silver BMW.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started
the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of
rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life. Back at the bog, the Donkey was surprised, but
happy, to see the Chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and
he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
Chicken ----ed to him. After tying the other end to
the rear bumper of the Farmer's car, the Chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,
rescued the Donkey!

Happy and proud, the Chicken drove the BMW back to the
farmhouse, and the Farmer was none the wiser when he
returned. The friendship between the two animals was
cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, would you believe, the Chicken fell
into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and
cried out to the Donkey to save his life! The Donkey
thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the Chicken
to grab his Willie and he would then lift him out of
the pit. The Chicken got a Good grip, and the Donkey
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

And the moral of the story?

When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to
pick up a chick.

 

[Badged01]

The Oscar Pistorious trial continues, today his defence claimed that it was an easy mistake to make and he`s not the first man to wake up legless on Valentines night and shoot up his girlfriend whilst imagining she`s someone else.

It was also claimed that she provoked him, by buying him a pair of socks for a Valentines day present.

Worst case scenario is that he gets released after 25 years in jail then BAM! President of South Africa. Thats how it works over there, right?

 

[dan86]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

[dan86]

Has anyone checked with Katie Price's gynaecologist to see if he's seen that missing plane?