A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[Barry White]

After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution its.

1920 x 1080

 

[slingshot2000]

A lawyer and an electrician are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.

The lawyer is thinking that electricians are so dumb that he could get one over
on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the electrician would like to play a fun game.

The electrician is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5.00. Then you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.00," he
says.

This catches the electrician's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to
the Moon?"

The electrician doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
five pound note , and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the electrician's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the electrician up and hands him £500.00. The electrician pockets the £500.00
and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the electrician up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"

The electrician reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back
to sleep.


Don't mess with tired electricians!

 

[Barry White]

I keep forgetting my passwords so I have come up with a brilliant idea I have changed my password to incorrect and if I forget it reminds me saying your password is incorrect
I know go get your coat

 

[hightower]

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread before, but when I looked again I saw it said 'thick cut'

 

[telectrix]

Extreme Sign Language

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: ‘Honey, Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea.

He writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on his penis one hundred and fifty times.

 

[telectrix]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’

Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……

‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’

 

[Pete999]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’

Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……

‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’

The old ones are the best

 

[Paul.M]

50 Shades of Grey has a whole new meaning when your working as a Vajazzle installation technician in an old folks home!!!!!

 

[chris murphy]

A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog - "Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in, I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.

I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying -------. He's never been out of the garden"

 

[R G]

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.....

 

[norcal]

A mans wife sent him to the doctors. She said "Get some of those pills to enhance our sex life."

So he went.

When he got home he t o s s e d her a bottle of pills and said 'These are for you."

"Me" she said, "What are these?"

"Diet pills."

 

[Wilko]

Another Classic ...

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Percyprod]

Why don't worms have balls?
Because they can't dance.

 

[Wilko]

A bear goes into a pub and growls at the Barkeep
"give me a ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... beer"
To which the Barkeep could only respond
"why the big pause ? "

(sorry, mine are all that bad - you could close the thread ...)

 

[Cadgey123]

“What time does Andy Murray go to his bed at?”

Tennish